Take a Breath
by SkyChasingDreamer
Summary: Hijikata steals Gintoki away after the fight with Takasugi and looks after him. It's only with Hijikata that Gintoki will let his guard down and show how he's really feeling. Potential spoilers for chapters 518-520.


Life was made up of glimpses.

The glimpses were fractions of moments that seared themselves in so starkly that they became a memory that could not be forgotten. Glimpses were vivid, they could be recalled with such clarity it was like reliving the moment in real time. Smells, feeling, sensation, it all came back and that made glimpses a blessing as much as they could be a disaster.

Kondo had tried to stop him, but Hijikata's mind was set and he couldn't be stopped. He'd known what Gintoki was doing, of course he knew, it was the Shinsengumi that had made such a huge request. Kondo was the one who said it, but it might as well have come straight from Hijikata's mouth, that was how seriously Gintoki had taken it.

It was then Hijikata had gotten his glimpse.

Seeing his boyfriend of three years drenched head to toe in blood, so exhausted he could barely stand, and the look on his face… Hijikata would never forget it. He'd forever remember the pungent reek of ash, the thick pitch of smoke, and how Gintoki stood among the rubble like he was a part of it, so much a part of it he could be made of it.

Hijikata went to him and panic was a difficult thing to fight off once it had taken hold in his gut and was on the rise. Gintoki looked wrong, blood aside, he wasn't letting anyone near him — something was just _wrong_. The cuts, bruises, and blood were one thing, the look on his face, behind his eyes, was completely different. Hijikata reached him and it hurt when Gintoki took a step away, but Hijikata didn't let that stop him.

"Medic," Hijikata snarled and grabbed Gintoki's arm to keep him in place.

The team hesitated, but under Hijikata's glare, they quickly snapped to it and moved in. They started working and Hijikata kept a firm hold on Gintoki, unable to ignore the blood transferring to his hand and also unable to do anything about it.

"You should see the other guy," Gintoki joked and it fell flat — so, so flat.

"Enough," Hijikata replied and Gintoki winced, then fell silent.

The medic team did their job fast and Hijikata only let go of Gintoki when his hand got in the way. Gintoki's clothes had to be cut away, he had to be taken to a tent that was set up to get his wounds actually treated. He refused anesthetic, he refused to react, but at least he was still and the medical team could do their job. It took awhile for Gintoki to be patched up enough for the bleeding to be stopped up and it was safe to transport him to the hospital. His face was pale and blank, Hijikata had been closely watching the whole time he'd been standing there. He looked like he had one foot in the grave and not because of his injuries.

"Get out," Hijikata told the team once they were as done as they could be for the time being.

They listened, no intelligent person would try to argue with Hijikata when he used that tone of voice. Hijikata knew his time with Gintoki was limited, there were too many people running around and Gintoki's kids would be with him soon. They had a small window where they were alone, a stolen moment in which Hijikata knew he could only do so much and that it wouldn't be enough to lessen whatever it was that had Gintoki quiet and still. Sitting down next to Gintoki on the cot, he put a hand on Gintoki's head and pulled him in. They sat still for a bit and Gintoki's body was still, like it was made of marble. He actually couldn't have been too far from passing out because of blood loss and exhaustion.

Then, the silence broke and Gintoki shoved his face into Hijikata's shoulder to take a ragged breath. He wasn't crying, he was just disconnected to himself, so suffocated he could barely breathe. The effects of the fight were probably just hitting him, too, since his adrenaline had burned off and he could actually feel the full pain of his wounds. Hijikata held him there and Gintoki felt fever warm, the hair on the back of his neck that Hijikata slid his fingers into was matted with grime and was damp and sticky.

They'd been together for years and Hijikata still didn't know exactly what Gintoki was going through, but he knew he needed to be there. He knew Gintoki wouldn't ask for him, but needed him and so Hijikata held onto him tighter despite the wounds that were already dirtying up the bandages. It wouldn't feel so desperate if Gintoki's hands weren't gripping Hijikata's shirt or if his body weren't shaking as much as it was. Hijikata leaned his head down onto Gintoki's and did the only thing he _could_ do, which was be there and offer support. Gintoki wouldn't be this way with anyone else, he was so closely guarded that he'd pretend everything was fine if it were anyone but Hijikata there with him.

There were a lot of things Hijikata wanted to tell him, but he didn't know how. He just held on tighter, he took the moment that was just them and let Gintoki have him. It'd taken so, so long for Hijikata to get Gintoki to show him anything at all, to learn what to look for to notice when Gintoki wasn't himself, and if Gintoki was showing him this much, then he was going through hell in his mind. It had Hijikata's chest tightening, collapsing in on itself, and he knew that there weren't any words that could make this any easier for Gintoki. Action spoke the loudest, so Hijikata ran his fingers through Gintoki's hair there on the back of his neck and let Gintoki have some time to get a hold of himself.

He would.

Gintoki always did.

He'd do it for Hijikata, for his kids, he'd get a grip and shove everything back down where it came from and hold it there where no one could see. Hijikata closed his eyes and kept his breathing as even as he could, hoping Gintoki would soon match him breath for breath to calm him. They'd have to be apart while Hijikata did his job and Gintoki took care of whatever he needed to, but they'd be together again before the day was out, Hijikata would make sure of it.

For now though, this was their moment.


End file.
